Hopes and Dreams

This week has been a bit of a drainer. From Tuesday on, I've felt an awareness of my own mortality that makes me feel frail. I've spent a lot of time wondering what Jessica's life goals were and which ones she didn't get to live and how she feels about it. I wonder how she would have felt last Sunday if she would have known it was her last day here. Would she have felt ready? Whether or not she did, I'm sure she was.

Yesterday, I went to go and visit the girl who was with her when she got hit. I have been to the hospital several times, but yesterday it was just me and her. Everyone else was at the funeral. She told me that about half an hour before the accident, Jess turned to her and said "if I died right now, I would die happy". Inge laughed and said "not me, I'm not ready to go!" When they crossed the street later, Jess was on the inside and took the hit of the car full force. Inge got the left overs of the hit, and in all likelihood, Jessica probably saved Inge's life, which I imagine is how Jess would have wanted it to be. Inge now struggles with guilt over that, and told me she wonders why it is that the good ones suffer and the bad ones flourish. She said there's a saying in Estonian that goes something like "God watches out for the drunkards and wife beaters". I don't think that Inge is a bad person, and I told her so, and she started to cry, saying that she felt so helpless to be there for the other people who are suffering. She said she felt so bad for the guy driving the car and she wished she could tell him that everything was going to be okay. It seems that there were no bad people hit by a car that night.

I'm so worried about Jessica's friend, Ronnie. She was a sister that was in the Baltics as well and she has this look of pain on her face that I'm too familiar with. I'm aware of what the feeling is that produces that face and I wish so bad that I could take that feeling away from her. It's toxic. It feels like you can't handle feeling anything anymore and the only way to deal with it is ignore it. It starts to feel like it wants to choke the life out of you, like it has a mind of its own. Since the accident, she has spent about every possible moment in the hospital with Inge and looks like she hasn't been able to get much sleep. That horrible pain that she feels, I know what it feels like. It's the worst pain and I don't wish it on anyone. It's hard to see on someone else's face after you've seen it on your own.

Having another young person die in my life has truly made me come face to face with the idea of mortality as a temporary position we each hold in the universe. In this short time, we have to somehow live a good life and help others while trying to take care of ourselves. It's a daunting task. I'm pretty sure that Jessica accomplished this with what she has done. My hope is that my life can be acceptable to God when He decides it's time for me to come home.

This life and everything about it are gifts. We can't expect anything and I don't think that we should, really. All of the blessings I have, health, a job, friends, family, life, all of it could be taken away in the blink of an eye and I would have no right to say anything about it. God truly is good, but giving up the power over your life to him is frightening because it might take you somewhere you don't feel like you want to go. I suppose that's what faith is all about, though, feeling that fear and standing your ground anyway.

When all is said and done, I'm positive we will stand in awe as we behold how perfectly the plan of our God played out and how fair it truly was to everyone. In the interim, let's all of us remember that what we get is what God would have us get, and that everything will work out for the best.