It happens too fast to make sense of it

Lately, my chest has been getting tighter and tighter. I'm not sure what started it, but I know what is contributing to it. Anyone who has talked to me in the last month or so knows that I am not happy with my current employment, which sucks for a number of reasons. My job used to make me pretty happy. It was for a company that I felt offered a good product and was completely and totally fair in every sense of the word. Of course, there were people who called who didn't understand the terms of service and were total buttholes about everything, but overall, I felt like I was a part of a company that I could proudly say I supported. And then they were bought out. And then policy changed. And then the bottom line became making money instead of serving the customer. And now I'm part of a company that I can't honestly say I support.

The problem with this is that when customers ask me questions about the service, I answer them truthfully. When they come up against a piece of policy that didn't exist before but now stands between them and satisfaction, I can't help but honestly agree with them. The policy is stupid, it doesn't make sense, and it does make it very obvious that this company has become about getting people to give them money, not about trading services (hosting and support for money). This change in treatment leads to more phone calls with more angry people. The more angry people, the more difficult it is to grin and bear, particularly when I agree with them.

When angry people call in and talk to me like I'm a half retarded twelve year old, it bothers me. I understand the policies have changed, but you can rest assured it wasn't my idea, and in fact I have been truly bothering my supervisors by consistently and repeatedly confronting them and telling them point blank that these changes are idiotic. I'm not stupid, I've never been stupid, and in fact am probably more intelligent than a great deal of the people that call in. When condescending people tell me that I don't know what's going on or that I'm not smart enough to understand something, it really sets me off. I know I'm smart enough to get it, and let me promise you that I can get pretty fierce in defending my intellect. I will out-argue you, and you will hate me for it because you'll know I'm right. If you beat me in an argument, it's because you're right and I'm wrong, and if that happens, I will admit I was wrong. But if I know I'm right and you're talking down to me, I will not budge.

We recently hired a gaggle of new folks, and yet somehow we're still horribly short staffed. Today, I looked at the call board to see who was on phones, who was supposed to be on phones, and how many people were supposed to be at work. There were 4 people logged into phones, 4 people on calls, 6 people at their desk, and 11 people scheduled. We were down by 7. Why on earth is this okay? 5 people called out, and of the six in the office, only 4 were on the phones. It doesn't make sense. Nothing has changed.

Another thing that has been freaking me out is my future. It is fast approaching and I have nowhere to run. My dreams lately have been more and more dark and unsettling. Granted, I'm not dreaming that I'm a serial killer or anything, but I am dreaming that my life is completely out of my control. The other night I dreamed that I was on a vacation with my parents, but it wasn't a vacation. Me and my dad saw that there was a place offering a chance to drive a really nice sports car, so we took it. We got in and all of a sudden, we could barely move and I could barely hold my head up. The car took off, but there was no steering wheel. Just thinking about it makes me feel claustrophobic.

My life is good, but it scares me having so much in the air. It's petrifying and terrifying and all that. My heart struggles against the weight of it all, and it is difficult for me to look it in the eye.