The lord of La Mancha

A month ago, when I left Provo, I had some pretty big ideas about what would happen. I thought "ya know, this won't be too difficult. I'll go to Seattle, get a job, set myself up there and everything will be just great!" Oops. Let me tell you, it hasn't worked that way at all. I feel so trapped by circumstance that I can't believe it and I don't know how to breath in all of this thick, oppressive self-anger. I am so mad at myself for being so STUPIDLY blind to the possibility that maybe, juuuuuust maybe, this wouldn't work. What on earth would possess someone to say that they can pick up and move somewhere with a month's living expenses covered and think that would be enough? I feel like everything in my life is a struggle to push a rock uphill, but not just a rock. We're talking a huge rock with lots of little spikes, tiny ones that occupy every space you touch. For good measure, they have poison on them, but I'm not sure if the poison was there before I started pushing or if the poison came from me.

Today, one month after getting here, I got an email, not even a call, not even the courtesy of a human voice, but an email saying that the job I had interviewed for in person as a second interview was going to be given to someone else. A stupid, pre-written BS email saying "we're sorry, but we liked someone else better than you, but golly it was sure fun talking to you". It actually said that! It was nice talking to me? It was nice talking to me about a job that you aren't going to give me? Gosh, you're the best. Thanks for being so considerate of my feelings, I really was afraid that you didn't enjoy our conversation together. I spent the next 6 hours sending out resumes, applying to jobs online, and chances are pretty high that tomorrow will go about the same. To further complicate matters, I have a car that will need to have the timing belt changed in about 350 miles. This means that, even if I do run out of money, back out of my housing agreement (which I really shouldn't have taken without a job), and get my deposit back, I can't go anywhere because my car will literally not make it. I am stuck in this situation and I am stuck here because I was too stupid to leave a way out for myself. Too. Stupid. At some point today during my job application process, it hit me, or I hit it, or whatever you want to say, and I broke down. I cried the worst tears in the world - the tears of the self pitying, and I didn't even deserve to.

I comforted myself with the thought that, at least tonight, there was a potential meeting with someone Cat had randomly met who said he might have a job opportunity for me and her. Now, Cat has a job, so she doesn't need a job opportunity. I, on the other hand, am turning over every rock that I can find. He said it was a position with a company that does marketing for corporations online and they were looking for a few people to fill some positions. Great. Let's do it. What I didn't find out until we got there and were seated in place far away from the door was that I had been suckered into sitting through a pyramid scheme meeting. Amway. Great stuff, people. All you need to do is pay $150 and you can make $68. It's so easy! I heard all kinds of great stuff tonight. "If you're afraid of pyramids, then you're just saying you're a wimp." Oh really, I am a wimp for not wanting to give you what little money I have left so that I can get less than half back? "I want to do this so that I can have more money than my sister." You must really love her. "I remember we bought a lady a new car and she was crying and was so happy." Very nice of you to do that for her.(That last one sounds nice until you realize that the same guy who said that was bragging about how much more money he was making than his well educated brothers and sisters and parents. Classy.) I spent the night listening to the high priest of the church of the almighty dollar preach to the crowd about how they too can save their souls by wrapping themselves in the filthy lucre of the world. Just a little more cologne, sweety, and no one will be able to tell that the parts of yourself that you had to kill to 'make it' are rotting away inside of you. The whole time I wanted to know what these people thought their legacy was going to be. What mark will they leave on the world that will define them to future generations? The guy talking was proud that he rents a different house every weekend just to see what it's like. He was proud to say that he writes off car purchases for business expenses. And we're not talking company Hondas or Fords or Toyotas. We're talking luxury cars fully loaded, and for himself. Three hours of my life were stolen from me. Three hours I could have been sending out resumes, or reading, or playing my guitar, or doing something to make myself a better person. I wasn't told how long of a meeting it would be, just that it would be a meeting with someone who was vetting reps for a marketing company.

Since I started writing this, both of my parents called me. My parents are amazing and I'm grateful for them. That doesn't change the fact that today has sucked and sucked hard. This stupid rock needs to be pushed up that stupid hill, and no amount of griping will remove those spikes. That doesn't make me hate it any less. It does, however, make me so much more determined to beat this whole thing so that I can proudly say "I overcame, I beat this, I put this rock on top of this hill through sheer brute force and will power". I can overcome this, and I will, but in the meantime I needed to get that out.

To those curious about the Don Quixote reference, I can't help but wonder if I'm really riding a donkey around and attacking windmills or if I'm so down on myself that I'm not recognizing my ability to ride a steed and slay monsters for what it really is.