Oh, you psychology boys. So sensitive.

I feel a bit of a rant coming on, something that has come up in my life over and over. This post is a response to something someone recently said, not to me, but about me.

Yes, I am sensitive. Do you know why I'm sensitive? Of course not, you're not thinking of the possibility that there's a why, you just think that I'm crazy and stupid. Allow me to educate you, oh person who will probably never read this. I am sensitive to my emotions because my livelihood will depend entirely on my ability to identify and handle them. I need to know when to push emotions, when the pain is too much, when the pushing is doing more damage than good. If I am not completely and totally aware of the emotions of myself and everyone around me, I am failing. I used to think I was really good at this, fully and completely capable of controlling my emotions. Turns out I'm not. I was just really good at shutting people out of my life so that they couldn't see my emotions, which basically means I'm emotionally retarded. That lack of emotional maturity on my part hurts the people I love sometimes, so yes, I am keenly aware of my emotions at all times. As it turns out, my awareness of and attempts to understand my emotions sometimes backfire and hurt the people that mean the most to me. It's a double edged sword that I am trying to learn to control. Not surprisingly, it's really freaking difficult.

Anyway, since my livelihood depends on this, I have devoted the last 4 years of my life to the pursuit of emotional awareness (note the difference between emotional awareness and emotional vulnerability). I have devoted at least two more years (probably 5 or 6, depending on if I get a PhD) to further understanding emotions. Everything I do in life has an emotional core to it, and I feel driven to understand that core because I believe that is the essence of my purpose in life. I am on this planet to serve people, and I am to serve them by helping them learn how to deal with themselves. I feel lucky beyond words to have such a strong sense of purpose and to know what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. I feel joy and excitement in this.

The point of this rant is to say that, yes, I am sensitive. That is by design. I believe it makes me a better, more capable person, and I believe that it will make me a better, more capable therapist. I know that I'm not very good at it yet, but I also know that I'm trying my best to get the hang of it. And I know you don't get it. So go ahead and enjoy hanging out with your meat head men friends, the ones who ignore their emotions. You know, the ones you tend to have terrible, slightly codependent relationships with.