St. Peter's Cathedral

When I started dating Cat, I don't think I knew what to expect. Scratch that. I know I didn't know what to expect, but I only know that now because of the gift of time and hindsight. That we are even together is a miracle. We should not work. We are so different in so many ways, and yet we have so much in common.

Our relationship has gone in stages since last February. When we first started dating, we both expected it to be over soon. She told me later that she thought we would date for a month, I would leave, and we would both go on with our lives because we gave it a shot. I think we were both shocked when things went really well really fast. Despite both of us feeling that we could never be the typical Provo couple, we said I love you after two weeks, and I think we both meant it. I knew I loved her very quickly in the relationship. I knew I wanted to marry her very quickly as well. I think it was after two weeks that I brought up that I didn't want to rush things, but I couldn't help thinking about the upcoming summer. I knew I didn't want to be away from her. In Provo, we were enamored with being with each other. We didn't have any pressures or obligations, and if things didn't work between us, that was ok because we hadn't been dating very long. Somehow, she came to the conclusion that coming with me to Seattle was what she wanted to do with her summer. I thought I knew what love was when we left. I thought it was the crazy, intoxicating feeling I felt when I was around her. I was wrong.

In Seattle, things took a turn for the difficult very quickly. I was incredibly depressed because I missed my friends in Provo and couldn't find a job. Because I thought that love meant being able to word vomit on someone without any recourse, I would talk about how sad I was all of the time, never once stopping to consider how that would make her feel. She said she loved me, so that meant she wanted to hear everything, right? Wrong. That is not love. Love is not using someone as an emotional garbage can to throw out your wasteful feelings and thoughts. Love is finding acceptance in the face of another, a safe place as it were. The kind of toxicity that comes from constant selfish spewing is poisonous. In love, you have to love yourself and be okay taking care of yourself. You can't put that kind of burden on the other person. It's just not fair.

Even though things were difficult, and even though we came very close to calling it quits for good, we stuck it out. She stuck it out. Even though I put her through the wringer with my selfish complaining, she stuck it out. She would come to my house on the bus, a two hour ride from where she lived. We would spend all of our time together whenever we could, and I loved it. Even when I didn't love it, I couldn't get enough of it. There were certainly times when I didn't want to be around her, but invariably, after dropping her off and saying goodbye, I would drive away wishing she was still sitting next to me. It was in one of those moments that I realized that love as it really is makes room for bad times.

When Cat left to Utah, I was crushed. I had to learn to function without her and struggle with my own fears and inadequacies. My last long distance relationship was many many years ago, but the distance killed it, or rather, the distance brought out the reasons it needed to die. That breakup was ugly and bad, and I was so terrified that it would happen again. Somehow, it didn't happen. The first few months after she left, we actually grew stronger and closer. Things weren't perfect. They never were, and I honestly don't think they ever will be, but that imperfection and what we do in the face of it brings us closer to the truth of Love than anything else can.

The last two months have been crazy. Two months ago, I didn't know which way it would all go. One month ago, I knew she wanted to get married, but there was no ring and I was afraid that the lack of a physical token on her finger would somehow convince her not to want to be with me. The logic isn't there, but it's the truth. Today, she is in Utah with a ring on her finger and I am in Washington. Somehow, the difficulties of a long distance relationship still exist. Our relationship has difficult things about it. I have doubts and worries from time to time, and I know she does too. This, however, I think is the closest to Love that we have yet come. I don't get a crazy feeling in my stomach when I think of her. My heart doesn't beat faster and I don't lose my ability to talk or reason when I hear her voice. That's not real love. What I do know is that she is there for me in the best way she knows how and that I am there for her in the best way I know how. She has stuck by me through some really hard times, and she has done it in circumstances that I know I couldn't have stuck it out in.

I guess what I'm saying is that Love is not simply an emotion. When I see her, I do smile like an idiot, and there are certainly times when she makes my heart pump faster, but those times are none of your business. Along with those moments, our relationship has moments when I get upset or hurt, and I know that there are times when she gets upset or hurt by some of the careless things that I do. And yet, on March 17th, she and I will be sealed for time and all eternity. Love transcends our weaknesses that become so apparent. Love allows room to grow out of our weakness, and we do so with the support of the other. Love is beautiful because it exists in the face of the great difficulty of combining two lives into one. Simply put, Love is the choice to commit oneself entirely to the betterment of the other, regardless of how difficult it is and how little the other can deserve it at any given moment. Cat loves me, and I know this because I am so undeserving of such a perfect commitment, and yet she gives it to me. I love Cat because I can't help myself. Through thick and thin, she has been there for me from day one. Looking back at the last 275 days (I counted, don't worry about it), I am grateful for her consistency and strength, and I love her so much for it.

I can't wait until forever. With her at my side, everything is going to be okay.